What a time what a time

So as you can tell it has been a while since I have been here to blog! There has been so much going on in my life. Much more than I have time to explain right now but maybe one day.

Things have been so frustrating for me of late but I am trying not to let it get me down. I went to Honduras in November which was so exciting for me. I really really wish I was still there. I had such a great time. So maybe since I am getting back into the whole blogging motion again, finally I will be posting some photos and alot about my experiences there.

This past year has been stressful for me since I am currently still unemployed and looking for a job and at the same time am having to deal with some other things in my life.

I titled my blog what a time what a time because if I could place you in my head right now you would be having a time....the way I feel and the way I see myself right now is that I'm invisible but at the same time I'm so lost in my own memories and feelings that I'm on a horrible rollercoaster!

So this year I hope that I will be much more connected and real than last year. So get ready invisible or not -- I'm going to be blogging at least once a week this year!

these are my thoughts....my inner thoughts roll on...and this ride is getting faster

La Trish!

Frustrating now....

So everybody is always talking about how we should be living in the "now", living for today! Yes I know that's what Im supposed to be doing, but what happens when your "now" is so frustrating you'd like to escape to some place far away and have a do-over day!

I can honestly say that over the last few months of my life I have had more than my share of do-over day wishes. I know most will not agree with me on the fact that I should want that but hey your not living my life and going through what I have been and am still going through, I think that my personal Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, understands that somedays, life is just life and it's a "frustrating now" and I want a "happy now" a "peaceful now" a "sanity now". Not to much to ask for is it? Maybe, maybe that's the key is that I'm not realistic in how I feel my life should be going. but I guess when you have to leave your church (of 13 years), lose your job (of 3 years) and have several other "big issues" happen all within 3 weeks of each other, reality is the last place you want to be, although I have been living it for 6 + months now.

I get up and I face each day with the hopes and thoughts and actions that this day is going to be a better day than yesterday, and for the most part that is generally what happens. Then there are my days where I have been for the last several weeks with writer's block so bad that I couldn't even pick out a song to send to my music club and forget blogging, I done good to be able to write my name somedays, that's just the kind of writer's block I was under in my "frustrating now".

However, today feels like a new day! It feels like a better day, I woke up this morning and had music in my heart and mind and the song choice for my music club was so simple, and then to blog to them as I should, it's like God opened the well of my soul and all the "frustrating now" moments disippated, disolved, went away, and words wonderful words and thoughts started to flow out of my head and heart, and well they had to go on paper (well blog) so alot is going through my head and heart today!!!

these are my thoughts....my inner thoughts roll on...

Trish

Struggles within.....

Struggles we all have them, we certainly all face them, but it's how we handle them that makes us all so different. Here recently I have been struggling with some things but ultimately I know that I haven't been handling it very well at all.
So when we struggle where to we go to? I know for me I run to my personal Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I run to Him for everything. I realize that in my life I have so many struggles but no matter the struggles I am so blessed! Ultimately we have to realize that everything in life is not going to be a bed of roses! I am so thankful that no matter what I go through I realize that "I can do all things through Christ!"
Time management has been such a struggle for me here lately and I am trying to do better - so one of my challenges for myself is to make more of a schedule for myself and really work on those things that I feel I need to change in my life.
So I am a little rambly today but I have so many thoughts going through my head and I know that this struggles they will past and like a beautiful Kirk Franklin song I love says There is going to be a brighter day!
these are my thoughts....my inner thoughts roll on...

28 years....

28 years ago @ 1:38 am on July 24…. The year would have been 1981….what do I remember about that day….well nothing…but what I know is that was the moment that I entered this world. You know how when you get to a point in your life and you realize that most everything your parents and grandparents have been saying that you laughed at….it really is happening. I mean I sit at my computer tonight, at 11:00 pm thinking that in just a few short hours I will be 28 years old….I mean that’s just a few years from 30 and I can no longer say I’m in my early or even mid 20’s I’m in my late 20’s….this realization may seem so under dramatic to anyone else but to me…well this is a huge moment…cause at this moment as I have heard my grandparents and my parents say so often…one day you’ll look back and say…where has the time gone….I used to laugh when they would say that but you know what I look back and I say…WOW where did the past 28 years go.
I have been doing a lot of remembering of things over the past few days – I get nostalgic at every birthday but the past few days have been something else for me. I was in a church service recently with my uncle Wayne and he said to me… I remember when you were a baby bouncing you on my knee and singing T for Texas and T for Tennessee…..and then thinking about my dad being at Virginia Church of God Youth Camp this week…I remember all those years at youth camp celebrating my birthday there or the day we were going home…memories so precious locked away in the vault of my mind, they are so dear and so precious to me, and with everything going on in my life right now…I treasure those precious memories and moments even more….. so should the Lord delay His coming until tomorrow morning July 24, 2009….when I get to post this online…I will be 28 years old….and while things are rough now….and will be smoothing out soon I know….I can rest assured that the memories that have been carrying in my mind, and the peace that Christ is giving me daily… the best is yet to come!!! SO HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!! FELIZ CUMPLEANOS!!!!


these are my thoughts....my inner thoughts roll on...

Oh what a tangled web....

Oh what a tangled web we weave when life we feel we lose control. That thought comes to my mind so often of late and as much as I try to stop it I know that the only way to get out of this web is to fight the spider and smash the web to pieces.

As crazy as that sounds that's how I feel at this point in my life - I have so much to share - and some I will share when I am able -- but for now

these are my thoughts....my inner thoughts roll on... and I shall post something much better than this very soon I promise -- my mind is full of so many things -- and it's screaming to get out

When is enough - enough?

As you can tell I have been a little silent on the blog front lately -- not because I have wanted to be but job and stress and other things have kept me from being able to write like I needed to. So this got me to thinking -- when is enough stress enough? I think I have been maxed out emotional and mentally for some time but now its seems I'm on overload. Ever been there before? I am to the point where try as I might I don't feel like I can get a cohesive thought process to form. Today is just a ramble of thoughts but it is because I truly want to know -- have you ever been to a point where you just have to say - with stress and other things and even sometimes people -- enough is really enough and I'm not dealing well with this -- so give me a minute?

Cause I think I may be there on a few things!......

these are my thoughts....my inner thoughts roll on...

Faith…can it move mountains?

Hebrews 11:1 says “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” When I think of this scripture sometimes I ask myself where is my faith? Do I have faith that beyond any circumstance I know that God is going to take care of me and my every need.
You see for the past several months my car has been acting a bit crazy – sometimes not wanting to accelerate; sometimes just not going at all or dying on me; it’s also burning oil and I know this sounds like I’m complaining but please don’t see it as that. The reason I say that is because you have to understand something about my car – I bought my car brand new with 4 miles on it in 1999. It is a 1998 model but still it was brand new. When I got that car and then got married a few years later and realized I really didn’t have the money to get another car I made the statement to someone that I would drive my car until the wheels fell off and then I would put the wheels back on and keep driving….I have faith in my car that it’s going to get me where I need it. Well now I sit here and know that my car has 255,389 miles on it, but I still will sit and make the same statement, because I have faith that the little car I drive is going to stick around for a while….but more than that…I have to look at it this way…. I don’t have faith that the car can get me around and not mess up, I’m relying on God!
I know that my car is old and I know that I need a new one, but I also live in a reality to know that I can’t afford a new one right now, my husband and I combined barely make enough money to pay the bills, but this is the part that I love about reading Hebrews 11:1 - I don’t put my faith in this world because faith is the substance of things hoped for and it’s the evidence of things not seen. You see I don’t put my trust in man or the economy I put my trust in my Savior, Jesus Christ.
When you think of it this way – faith can move mountains – you see I realize something – that my faith in God is so strong and it is growing everyday – I have faith that when I go to bed tonight that God has dispatched His angels to protect me; I have faith to know that when I wake up in the morning that I’ll have a hot shower to take, I’ll have clothes to wear, and I will walk outside and get in my car and it’s going to run! That’s how I know that no matter what I am going through – no matter what I face in my day – yes I struggle and I get frustrated but FAITH! Let me say that again – but FAITH – can and will move the mountains that are in my way – and when I have to walk up one of those mountains I know that God will give me the strength to climb them – and I know that even though I can’t physically see Him – He’s always there for me and He will always be there to see me through – if I just keep my trust and Faith in Him!

the inner thoughts roll on...

What a Sunday....

I’m sitting at my desk at home thinking about the wonderful services of Sunday. How God truly blessed in our lives today. It still amazes me how God in His infinite grace and mercy cares enough to speak to me.
My dad and I sang at song at church Sunday night by “The Crabb Family” the title of the song was called “The Cross” and while my female voice can’t sing it like Jason Crabb does the words to that song are so powerful and they have such a great meaning. The chorus of that song says “There was a cross made for the Son of God at Calvary, Two pieces of rough timber on a hill, through His hands and through His feet, He took the nails for you and me, Angels watched as He died for the lost, though He could have walked away, He chose the cross”. Isn’t it an amazing thought to think that no matter what we have done in our lives, the Son of God, Jesus Christ, came to earth as a baby in a manager, and hung on “the cross” for our sins and gave up His life so that we could live. I mean it’s the ultimate sacrifice….a debt He didn’t owe, a price that was far to great for us to pay, yet Jesus paid that ultimate price for us!!! WOW! I sit in awe of His mercy. I feel such a peace in my heart that I haven’t been able to feel for a while – a reassurance to know that know matter what, everything is somehow going to be ok.
Psalm 100:1-2a in the NIV says “Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth. Worship the Lord with gladness; come before Him with joyful songs. Know that the Lord is God. It is He who made us, and we are His” – I read this and I thought how amazing is this know matter what HE made US and WE are HIS. I love reading this in the Spanish Bible to those same scriptures Salmos 100:1 y 2 says – “Cantad alegres a Dios, habitants de toda la tierra. Servid a Jehová con alegría; Venid ante su presencia con regocijo” Just those very words spoken in the Bible today have truly made an impact in my mind.
Truly with everything that has went on for me on Sunday I can sing this chorus “My chains are gone, I’ve been set free, My God My Savior has ransomed me, and like a flood His mercy reigns, unending love, Amazing Grace.” I’m so thankful for that Amazing Grace, aren’t you?

the inner thoughts roll on...

What seems impossible....

I'm sitting in my sister's house this evening -- just hanging out with her and my nephew and niece and it's so exciting to be so close to her that I get to just come and hang out. My sister is after all my best friend so time with her and any time with my family is a great treasured thing.

I was sitting thinking about things just letting my mind wander a little and started thinking about the verse of scripture in Luke 18:27 -- it says " What is impossible with man is possible with God." I guess I thought about that cause I look at my sis and her hubby and their 2 kids and I think you know children is something I have always wanted and I've been married for 7 years now and so far that hasn't happened....but I know that it can and praying it will happen.
Then I got to thinking about an airplane ride that I have now taken 3 times....to know me is to know I have always always said that I would never fly -- and yet for 3 years in a row I have flown to Honduras to be apart of a missions team giving out toys to children in San Marcos de Colon Honduras! I have so many friends in Honduras now -- all these things seem so impossible to me -- but with God they are all possible.

I don't know why I decided to blog about it today other than to just tell someone -- if you are going through something and you don't think there is anyway that you can get out -- just remember -- what is impossible with man is possible with God! You just have to trust in Him, trust Him to do the work, and then know that it will happen.

the inner thoughts roll on...and hopefully it won't be so long until the next blog!

The countdown is on....

While others at this time of the year begin their countdown to Thanksgiving - countdown to Christmas - countdown to the New Year - at this point - I'm doing lots of count downs.

Count down to Thanksgiving -- 10 days
Count down to HONDURAS trip -- 12 days
Count down to Christmas play - 32/33 - were having it 2 nights
Count down to Christmas - 38 days
Count down to New Year - 44 days
Count down to My Neice's Birth -- about 94 days!!!!

Lots of excitement happening in my life

Can't wait until Thanksgiving to spend time with family; can't wait to get to San Marcos de Colon Honduras and spend time with dear friends. I'm all about Christmas so even last week I was playing Christmas music. Of course the New Year brings times of reflection and time to make myself change some things -- and then the thing I can't wait for is the birht of my neice in Feb. -- even her 4 year old brother is getting excited now!!! While I don't have children of my own yet - I love my nephew more than words and I know that's how I already feel about my neice - so I guess until God allows me to have children - I'll have to live my dreams through him and soon her.

Just a day of countdown thinking for me.
What are some things that you are counting down?


the inner thoughts roll on...

Miracle

Have to share my miracle story...

For 3 days I have had excrutiating pain in my right ankle - it's been horrible -- I have a lot of ankle issues anyway - but I could barely walk on my foot -- well be as it may my sister im'd me this morning and asked if I would come pick her up at lunch time and go to lunch together and run a few errands - I of course said yes - any chance to hang out with my sister/best friend.

Well we decided to go to Long John Silver's and I was limping and in pain with my foot - we ate had a great conversation and when we were leaving I got ready to step off the side walk going to the car and my right ankle popped -- it almost brought me to tears -- well as the miracle of the story happens -- my foot popping was God's way of healing my foot -- while it's a little tender still - I can walk on it just fine!!!!

Thank you Lord for your healing power.
With my miracle in my mind - it made me think - have you had a miracle happen lately that you would like to share -- please feel free to comment back - I would love to hear of what God is doing for you.


The inner thoughts keep on screaming!

Another life lesson - He keeps on teaching...

I’m striving to do better, to get more rest and sleep and get up on time and get to the gym before work…but here lately it’s just not been happening. The more I try to more I fail it seems. So in all of this I sit and think – the question everyone thinks – why is this always happening to me.

This week has made me say that several times. I’m in a week I like to refer to as “the week of Monday’s” – it was definitely a Monday on Monday; Tuesday was a Monday with all the stresses and could go wrongs happening, then I went to prayer meeting last night at the church and it was wonderful and I felt renewed – and had decided I was not going to let today be another Monday – well wouldn’t you know that I would oversleep this morning – far more than normal – I have to be at work (which is 30 minutes from my house) at 8 am – guess what – I woke up at 7:30 am this morning – I had 4 alarms going off and my phone ringing and didn’t hear any of it – I think I’ve settled on the fact that my body is exhausted – so to make my traumatic start to the day – being late which I hate being – I ran from the bedroom to bathroom to get into the shower – I turned on the water – jumped into the shower – and lost my breath – the water was so cold I couldn’t breath – so I began to think – in my sleepiness did I not turn on the hot water – I was freezing – but as my day would have it – I had the hot on – turned the cold off and still it was like ice water – well needless to say my husband called the maintenance man at our apartment and they are now replacing the hot water heater.

So what’s the life lesson that God’s teaching me….well I haven’t figured it all out yet – but I know this is another one of His life lessons – I don’t think it’s as much a patience thing – cause I sure didn’t pray for that – but I think it’s about the busyness of life – I know I need more rest – so I think this is part of the lesson I’m being taught right now – is to take care of myself – and after all that has happened this morning – I know that God has a sense of humor – cause I can sure imagining Him and Jesus sitting on the throne in Heaven about to fall out of their chairs laughing at my facial expressions when the more than normal sleepy Trish jumped into a shower unknowing that the hot water heater had busted.

With all this thinking – I’m curious – Has God been teaching anyone else life lessons or am I the only one?

The inner thoughts keep on screaming!

Sing the songs, pray with the people, leave in tears....

At our church ever 3rd Monday of each and every month is Nursing Home Ministry night. I’ll be honest – it’s the one place I never thought I would be able to handle going – I had an aunt who was in a nursing home for 5 years before she passed away so it’s very hard for me to go in one. So when we started this nursing home ministry – I was one of the 1st ones to go – and I’ve missed only a couple times due to sickness. Last night was that night, and I have to write about it this morning because as always I was so touched by God while we were there. We always gather in their dining hall and sing to the residents that come. My dad didn’t get to make it last night because we had a couple people in the hospital so I was to lead the worship service.

While this was a wonderful experience last night, the reason I share this is because of what happened during the prayer time with the residents. I walked over to a small, frail, little woman sitting in a wheel chair and asked if I could pray with her – she said yes but before she let me pray she told me why she even came that night – our “matriarch” of our church Sis Mary Ellen (who is 85+ years young) had remembered seeing this woman when she was visiting her brother and sent her a card asking her to come to this service – she just knew she would be blessed if she did – the woman – who never shared her name – told me she enjoyed the service – and that she thought about not coming because she was sick – then she told me – “I’ve been sick for a while, and I’m tired, I just really want to go home to be with Jesus” – and that’s how she asked me to pray. So this is why I write about the nursing home today – while we sang some great songs and laughed with the residents – I wept when I saw this woman’s desire for Heaven. She’s ready to go – so my prayer for her was “Lord grant her the desire of her heart”. There are days when this life gets to me and I wonder sometimes why I try to do the things I do – then I go to the Nursing Home last night and if a precious sister in my church can send a card to a woman she doesn’t know in a nursing home where her brother is and that woman comes to our service and has such a desire to go home with Jesus that she asks us to pray that way – then I can say – this is why I do what I do – it’s worth it – though it breaks my heart to think of someone passing away – it gives me great joy to see how strong her desire for Heaven is.

I can only imagine that when she does get the answer to her prayer and it’s her time to go that her 1st steps will be just like the song out of the church hymnal says “When we all get to Heaven what a day of rejoicing that will be, when we all see Jesus we sing and shout the victory” – she was confined to that wheelchair last night but she won’t be when she gets up there.



The inner thoughts keep on screaming!

Mental Exhaustion

I’m not sure exactly what mental exhaustion feels like….but I feel like maybe I’m there. Not that I think a lot about tough things…but here lately I feel like my mind has been in over drive – it’s running 200 miles an hour while my body is running about 45 – I feel like I’m in the slow lane on the interstate getting run over by my own mind.

I hate this feeling…it’s not a good feeling…so many things going on….so many things I have to get done….so many things I want to get done.

So what do you do…when your at this point and sleep is all you dream of and then when it’s time to sleep you can’t? What do you do when you get to work and you feel so overwhelmed that all you do is cry? What do you do when you leave work and the tears stop but no relief comes? Am I burnt out? Am I over run? I think so….so what do I do….I know some will say “let go” – some will tell me to “let God do what God does and give me the rest” – but still yet – what do I do – yes I will take the rest from God – but just because I rest doesn’t mean things at work or home are changing. I feel like I’m stuck in the twilight zone…..and honestly the music is a little nerve racking…..HELP!!!!!


The inner thoughts keep on screaming!

Waiting on me....

I hate to admit it but I think by far I’m the most indecisive person I know. It seems like on any decision that needs to be made I struggle to make it…..not that the decisions themselves are hard, but because I’m afraid of making the wrong one. I’ll just be honest here…I have absolutely no self-esteem. Don’t ask me to evaluate myself – my answers would not please you, and certainly they wouldn’t please my Savior. I know I’m made in his image – but I look through a distorted mirror. So as you can tell I struggle. Today though I was thinking about decisions that I need to make in my life and I still have so much fear and anxiety over those decisions that I just can’t make them.

I won’t indulge on those decisions that need to be made now but I’ll tell you that it doesn’t matter what decision I’m asked to make – I struggle. Something as simple as my sister asking me what restaurant I would like to eat at when we go to lunch together…I always tell her, it doesn’t matter, which a lot of times she follows with two or three choices, guess what, you guessed it, I still can’t decide then. My reasons, she’s pregnant and what if I choose a restaurant that she doesn’t really want to eat at, or what if she gets sick because she ate something that didn’t set right on her stomach.

So even on some important decisions that need to be made in my life I really struggle with knowing what to do. I know that I pray about them and trust God to help me make the right decisions but as my dad and I discussed recently, I’m God’s creation and He gave me a free will and He’s waiting on me to make the decision and then He will help and see me through it.

So why can’t I get that through my head….why can’t I make the decisions that I need to? Anyone with any advice on this…..
How is your decision making skills?

The inner thoughts keep on screaming!

Roll the dough

Last night was a great hard working night for me – I left work a little after 4:30 pm to head to my “second job” – my church. The night was all about frying apple pies for our missions team to raise funds to go to Honduras. We started the night out with a spaghetti dinner together and after we cleaned up from that we started to work. I had the fortunate job of being a dough roller – I can tell you that my arms are truly sore this morning from helping to roll so many pies. All together last night we fixed a little over 500 pies.

I have to tell you though, making those pies was such a wonderful time for me. Even though we were working, it was relaxing (at least on the mental side). I just stood there and rolled the dough, I didn’t have to concentrate, I didn’t think about everything that was on my to do list undo at work or my to do list at home that’s every growing. I just rolled the dough, and thought about nothing, and I, yes I had peace.

I’m so glad that God gives us these little moments. Quiet rest if you will for the weary tired, overworked, under appreciated, self-esteem lacking soul! It gave me time to breath. Time to just relax and have conversation with a friend, and to remember some friends that have already crossed to glory.
I’m thankful that last night while all that surrounds us seems to be questionable at best these days, all I had to do last night was…..roll the dough.

Trish

The inner thoughts keep on screaming!

This is not the end...

Yesterday was a hard day for me – we had an excellent service Sunday morning – and my dad shared his heart beautifully, the same with Sunday night. But Sunday morning is what really got me to thinking…I run the video/projection system for our church and when Dad read his scripture text – well he didn’t have a title for his message. While he was praying after reading the scripture he said the words….”This is not the end…” and while everyone was being seated that’s what he had them say to each other. That thought struck me so deep – I’ve been going through quite a lot here lately – hopefully I’ll be able to detail some of those things at a later time, but for now I’ll just tell you that with everything going on in my life I feel like my faith had become a little strained.

So many times I’ve read in scripture about how the disciples had “little” faith, to me that’s the kind of faith that I have been stuck in – it’s not that I don’t think my Savior can take care of me but spiritually I just felt so drained, tired of all the “stuff” that happens around church. I guess it’s the downfall of being the pastor’s oldest daughter, my sister and I know when things are going on that trouble our parents….so I know I’ve let those things get into my mind lately. But yesterday morning’s thought “This is not the end…” it struck me in such a powerful way.

For me, and any other child of God, who has been set free from sins bondage and bought by the blood of Jesus Christ….this is not the end….this is only the beginning….a dress rehearsal for Heaven. I have to tell you, I’ve know that for years….but just the simple reminder that no matter what happens in this life….for me …. This is not the end was so powerful and exactly what I needed yesterday.
So thanks Dad, for listening and being obedient to the calling of Christ. I wouldn’t trade anything for the heritage that I have been given by being a Pastor’s daughter, and I’m so proud of him and my mom and my sister. I know this is not the end….but only the beginning of great things to come.

The inner thoughts keep on screaming!

Blog is up!

So I decided to do it -- I decided to go for the blogger page - I have had a xanga site for some time and a myspace and on and on and on -- but I felt it was time - time to let the blogs roll a little more free...my own personal relationship with myself seems to do better when I get into the daily blog. So now I'll be able to do that more.

So welcome - to the inner thoughts of myself that are screaming to get out.

It's been one of those days for me - so as you can see - productivity - not on my short list.

The inner thoughts keep on screaming!