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to the inner thoughts of me (Trish)! What's in my head and in my heart -- written out.
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Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Another life lesson - He keeps on teaching...

I’m striving to do better, to get more rest and sleep and get up on time and get to the gym before work…but here lately it’s just not been happening. The more I try to more I fail it seems. So in all of this I sit and think – the question everyone thinks – why is this always happening to me.

This week has made me say that several times. I’m in a week I like to refer to as “the week of Monday’s” – it was definitely a Monday on Monday; Tuesday was a Monday with all the stresses and could go wrongs happening, then I went to prayer meeting last night at the church and it was wonderful and I felt renewed – and had decided I was not going to let today be another Monday – well wouldn’t you know that I would oversleep this morning – far more than normal – I have to be at work (which is 30 minutes from my house) at 8 am – guess what – I woke up at 7:30 am this morning – I had 4 alarms going off and my phone ringing and didn’t hear any of it – I think I’ve settled on the fact that my body is exhausted – so to make my traumatic start to the day – being late which I hate being – I ran from the bedroom to bathroom to get into the shower – I turned on the water – jumped into the shower – and lost my breath – the water was so cold I couldn’t breath – so I began to think – in my sleepiness did I not turn on the hot water – I was freezing – but as my day would have it – I had the hot on – turned the cold off and still it was like ice water – well needless to say my husband called the maintenance man at our apartment and they are now replacing the hot water heater.

So what’s the life lesson that God’s teaching me….well I haven’t figured it all out yet – but I know this is another one of His life lessons – I don’t think it’s as much a patience thing – cause I sure didn’t pray for that – but I think it’s about the busyness of life – I know I need more rest – so I think this is part of the lesson I’m being taught right now – is to take care of myself – and after all that has happened this morning – I know that God has a sense of humor – cause I can sure imagining Him and Jesus sitting on the throne in Heaven about to fall out of their chairs laughing at my facial expressions when the more than normal sleepy Trish jumped into a shower unknowing that the hot water heater had busted.

With all this thinking – I’m curious – Has God been teaching anyone else life lessons or am I the only one?

The inner thoughts keep on screaming!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Sing the songs, pray with the people, leave in tears....

At our church ever 3rd Monday of each and every month is Nursing Home Ministry night. I’ll be honest – it’s the one place I never thought I would be able to handle going – I had an aunt who was in a nursing home for 5 years before she passed away so it’s very hard for me to go in one. So when we started this nursing home ministry – I was one of the 1st ones to go – and I’ve missed only a couple times due to sickness. Last night was that night, and I have to write about it this morning because as always I was so touched by God while we were there. We always gather in their dining hall and sing to the residents that come. My dad didn’t get to make it last night because we had a couple people in the hospital so I was to lead the worship service.

While this was a wonderful experience last night, the reason I share this is because of what happened during the prayer time with the residents. I walked over to a small, frail, little woman sitting in a wheel chair and asked if I could pray with her – she said yes but before she let me pray she told me why she even came that night – our “matriarch” of our church Sis Mary Ellen (who is 85+ years young) had remembered seeing this woman when she was visiting her brother and sent her a card asking her to come to this service – she just knew she would be blessed if she did – the woman – who never shared her name – told me she enjoyed the service – and that she thought about not coming because she was sick – then she told me – “I’ve been sick for a while, and I’m tired, I just really want to go home to be with Jesus” – and that’s how she asked me to pray. So this is why I write about the nursing home today – while we sang some great songs and laughed with the residents – I wept when I saw this woman’s desire for Heaven. She’s ready to go – so my prayer for her was “Lord grant her the desire of her heart”. There are days when this life gets to me and I wonder sometimes why I try to do the things I do – then I go to the Nursing Home last night and if a precious sister in my church can send a card to a woman she doesn’t know in a nursing home where her brother is and that woman comes to our service and has such a desire to go home with Jesus that she asks us to pray that way – then I can say – this is why I do what I do – it’s worth it – though it breaks my heart to think of someone passing away – it gives me great joy to see how strong her desire for Heaven is.

I can only imagine that when she does get the answer to her prayer and it’s her time to go that her 1st steps will be just like the song out of the church hymnal says “When we all get to Heaven what a day of rejoicing that will be, when we all see Jesus we sing and shout the victory” – she was confined to that wheelchair last night but she won’t be when she gets up there.

The inner thoughts keep on screaming!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Mental Exhaustion

I’m not sure exactly what mental exhaustion feels like….but I feel like maybe I’m there. Not that I think a lot about tough things…but here lately I feel like my mind has been in over drive – it’s running 200 miles an hour while my body is running about 45 – I feel like I’m in the slow lane on the interstate getting run over by my own mind.

I hate this feeling…it’s not a good feeling…so many things going on….so many things I have to get done….so many things I want to get done.

So what do you do…when your at this point and sleep is all you dream of and then when it’s time to sleep you can’t? What do you do when you get to work and you feel so overwhelmed that all you do is cry? What do you do when you leave work and the tears stop but no relief comes? Am I burnt out? Am I over run? I think so….so what do I do….I know some will say “let go” – some will tell me to “let God do what God does and give me the rest” – but still yet – what do I do – yes I will take the rest from God – but just because I rest doesn’t mean things at work or home are changing. I feel like I’m stuck in the twilight zone…..and honestly the music is a little nerve racking…..HELP!!!!!

The inner thoughts keep on screaming!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Waiting on me....

I hate to admit it but I think by far I’m the most indecisive person I know. It seems like on any decision that needs to be made I struggle to make it…..not that the decisions themselves are hard, but because I’m afraid of making the wrong one. I’ll just be honest here…I have absolutely no self-esteem. Don’t ask me to evaluate myself – my answers would not please you, and certainly they wouldn’t please my Savior. I know I’m made in his image – but I look through a distorted mirror. So as you can tell I struggle. Today though I was thinking about decisions that I need to make in my life and I still have so much fear and anxiety over those decisions that I just can’t make them.

I won’t indulge on those decisions that need to be made now but I’ll tell you that it doesn’t matter what decision I’m asked to make – I struggle. Something as simple as my sister asking me what restaurant I would like to eat at when we go to lunch together…I always tell her, it doesn’t matter, which a lot of times she follows with two or three choices, guess what, you guessed it, I still can’t decide then. My reasons, she’s pregnant and what if I choose a restaurant that she doesn’t really want to eat at, or what if she gets sick because she ate something that didn’t set right on her stomach.

So even on some important decisions that need to be made in my life I really struggle with knowing what to do. I know that I pray about them and trust God to help me make the right decisions but as my dad and I discussed recently, I’m God’s creation and He gave me a free will and He’s waiting on me to make the decision and then He will help and see me through it.

So why can’t I get that through my head….why can’t I make the decisions that I need to? Anyone with any advice on this…..
How is your decision making skills?

The inner thoughts keep on screaming!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Roll the dough

Last night was a great hard working night for me – I left work a little after 4:30 pm to head to my “second job” – my church. The night was all about frying apple pies for our missions team to raise funds to go to Honduras. We started the night out with a spaghetti dinner together and after we cleaned up from that we started to work. I had the fortunate job of being a dough roller – I can tell you that my arms are truly sore this morning from helping to roll so many pies. All together last night we fixed a little over 500 pies.

I have to tell you though, making those pies was such a wonderful time for me. Even though we were working, it was relaxing (at least on the mental side). I just stood there and rolled the dough, I didn’t have to concentrate, I didn’t think about everything that was on my to do list undo at work or my to do list at home that’s every growing. I just rolled the dough, and thought about nothing, and I, yes I had peace.

I’m so glad that God gives us these little moments. Quiet rest if you will for the weary tired, overworked, under appreciated, self-esteem lacking soul! It gave me time to breath. Time to just relax and have conversation with a friend, and to remember some friends that have already crossed to glory.
I’m thankful that last night while all that surrounds us seems to be questionable at best these days, all I had to do last night was…..roll the dough.


The inner thoughts keep on screaming!

Monday, October 13, 2008

This is not the end...

Yesterday was a hard day for me – we had an excellent service Sunday morning – and my dad shared his heart beautifully, the same with Sunday night. But Sunday morning is what really got me to thinking…I run the video/projection system for our church and when Dad read his scripture text – well he didn’t have a title for his message. While he was praying after reading the scripture he said the words….”This is not the end…” and while everyone was being seated that’s what he had them say to each other. That thought struck me so deep – I’ve been going through quite a lot here lately – hopefully I’ll be able to detail some of those things at a later time, but for now I’ll just tell you that with everything going on in my life I feel like my faith had become a little strained.

So many times I’ve read in scripture about how the disciples had “little” faith, to me that’s the kind of faith that I have been stuck in – it’s not that I don’t think my Savior can take care of me but spiritually I just felt so drained, tired of all the “stuff” that happens around church. I guess it’s the downfall of being the pastor’s oldest daughter, my sister and I know when things are going on that trouble our parents….so I know I’ve let those things get into my mind lately. But yesterday morning’s thought “This is not the end…” it struck me in such a powerful way.

For me, and any other child of God, who has been set free from sins bondage and bought by the blood of Jesus Christ….this is not the end….this is only the beginning….a dress rehearsal for Heaven. I have to tell you, I’ve know that for years….but just the simple reminder that no matter what happens in this life….for me …. This is not the end was so powerful and exactly what I needed yesterday.
So thanks Dad, for listening and being obedient to the calling of Christ. I wouldn’t trade anything for the heritage that I have been given by being a Pastor’s daughter, and I’m so proud of him and my mom and my sister. I know this is not the end….but only the beginning of great things to come.

The inner thoughts keep on screaming!

Friday, October 10, 2008

Blog is up!

So I decided to do it -- I decided to go for the blogger page - I have had a xanga site for some time and a myspace and on and on and on -- but I felt it was time - time to let the blogs roll a little more free...my own personal relationship with myself seems to do better when I get into the daily blog. So now I'll be able to do that more.

So welcome - to the inner thoughts of myself that are screaming to get out.

It's been one of those days for me - so as you can see - productivity - not on my short list.

The inner thoughts keep on screaming!